2013-07-21

That's it! I'm Starting a Relationship Blog...

"I miss you"... Those are the three words that sparked this blog.  I have been dating BF for 4 months and after month 3, I had heard those words too often to think of them as just a sweet sentiment anymore.  So, in an effort to understand the psychology behind them I went to google and typed in "boyfriend says 'I miss you'"; the results were astonishing.  I quickly realized that google couldn't help me with this.  The first site I saw bore the tag line "things you should never say to your boyfriend" and as I scrolled further down the page I realized there are a lot of misguided people out there.  I was flabbergasted and getting slightly angry by the time my eyes focused on another girl's desperate question of yahoo answers "how can I make my boyfriend miss me?" and yet another article where a woman told her boyfriend she missed him and he told her she was too needy.  I never did find the answer on the net so I decided to ask the man himself.  
"Hun, when you say you miss me, what does that mean for you?" he thought about it and said "it means that I'm thinking of you and wish that we could spend more time together".  
Now, that I could understand.  
"When I hear those words" I continued, "it feels wrong to me, like there's something missing in the relationship... So unless that's true, I'd like to reserve them for when we haven't seen each other for a couple weeks or for use across distances.  Maybe you can just say that you're thinking of me and wish we could spend more time together?
"Yeah babe, I can do that"... Problem solved!



Three months before I met BF, I had a book recommended to me.  It is called "Attached" by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller.  Since I typically find "self help" and nonfiction books a bit hard to digest, I downloaded the audiobook from my library and set to folding laundry and doing a general house-clean while I listened.  I was blown away, this one book changed my perception of relationships and my ideas about what I was looking for completely!  Dr. Levine talks about the 3 scientifically documented attachment styles and how they interact in adult love relationships.  What I really liked was that he didn't sound judgemental or discouraging about any of them, he merely presents each in a clinical way so that it is easy to identify which one you are.  I happen to be a rare hybrid of Anxious/Avoidant though I do have some mannerisms of the secure.  I learned that in order to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, I needed to look for a secure attachment style person, since my independent and avoidant nature would be seen as a threat to the relationship if I was dating an anxious attachment style person, and my need for love and contact and reassurance would feel threatening to an avoidant attachment style person.  This combination of traits can and has been very confusing to my partners so I have adopted an open communication style to alleviate some of the confusion. 



I am hoping through this blog, to provide a clear, current, and effective method of creating and maintaining healthy relationships both with oneself and a partner, though many of the insights and techniques can also be applied to familial and friend relationships.  It is important to note that I have had some nonviolent communication training as well as counseling/therapy to reach the place I'm at today but I am not a psych professional in any way and all advice herein is given from my experience or feeling of what is right and important.  That said, please feel free to use it and share it if it makes sense to you to do so.  If it feels wrong to you, don't use it.  Simple as that.  

In Love,
Leilahlah





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